dying….

Staring at a certain object that reminds me of your memory, a memory of your love that once was mine. We grew up in the same place, we played the same taste of music, we dance at the same rhythm and you even teach me the first times in my life. Yes, the first time, my first love specifically speaking. I did not intend to fall for you yet it did happen, how silly I am for letting myself feel this way for you. I can not blame myself for feeling this way, the way your eyes glisten, every time you smile is enough for me to fall for you over and over again, enough for me to break all the promises that I’ve told to myself. 3 stages of being a student, is also a stage for me to be close to you and let you know what I feel. Primary, looking at you from afar is enough for me, smelling your scent brings me 2 feet higher than the ground, and talking about the stupid little games is all enough for me to have you as my classmate. Secondary, second step to be near you, but it seems that it is all worthless because every time I gave you something you seem to reject it and leave it on a side of your room. I took this chance to make you feel that you are special to me, but I do not have the courage to voice out all the screams that my heart wants to tell you. Coward! That’s the word I always tell to myself, a contradiction what my friends knew about me. How can this word comes into their mind if they knew that I’m a drag racer, an exhibitionist in motor racing but they did not know that I’m a coward risk taker in love. I will never take the risk of saying those words for you. Words, which will be kept on my heart and will just tell it through the way my eyes look at you and through the way I let you feel how special you are to me. In this stage I learned to be jealous, and be a hypocrite every time you ask me if it is ok to be with that someone that you loved, I always tell it is ok and it will be better if you spend time with that very lucky person. a person that hopefully, will not hurt you. How can I say those words if I knew how much fear I have in losing when you are starting to fall for that person,and how can I start living a new life when all this time living means having you at my side?. questions in living when love has chosen to walk away from me,I know I can’t start for its hard to ignite one’s fire when temperature is not enough, when it’s weak and hopeless. When all of the fears,tears and troubles that you have kissed away starts to come back and chase me. I fear for now its all about existing not all about living, I cried for it breaks the dream that built up my future. Unfair for me, and I hate this feeling that I cannot live into this world without you as a part of my life. For since I’m a kid, you ‘ve always been a part of my plan, a part that I’ve thought would last forever at my side but I’m wrong. .i’m sorry!! Not your fault!! No ones fault!!! I’m dying!!! Forgive me!!!